This is my first article for the newsletter since the death of my son as I have been struggling on what topic to write about and the nagging feeling that I have nothing to offer right now. As I have told Pastor Halverson I do still continue to feel compelled to keep the Health Ministry going in our church. Thus why not write about my struggles as they may help someone else. The biggest question has been how can I live with my grief? Some practical suggestions that I have found are:
1. Rely on friends. We tend to want to be stoic or not want to bother others or make others uncomfortable but if someone is offering to help it may be their way of showing they care. Friends, be aware that the grieving person may not know what they need or want. Try to anticipate needs or just be there.
2. Take care of your health: Grieving can wear you out. Your body needs sufficient rest, exercise and proper nourishment more than ever.
3. Postpone major decisions.
4. Be patient with yourself: Grief often lasts longer than people realize. One scientific study of bereavement explained the grief process as follows: "The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time."
5. Make allowances for others: Try to be patient with others. Realize that it is awkward for them. Not knowing what to say, they may clumsily say the wrong thing.
6. Get back into a regular routine: you may have to push yourself at first to go to work, to go shopping, or take care of other responsibilities but structure will help.
7. Do not be afraid to let go of acute grief: Letting go of your intense grief does not mean that the love of the deceased is diminishing.
8. Do not be unduly anxious. You may find yourself worrying but the Bible counsels to take one day at a time.
These suggestions certainly do not take the grief away but do allow me to continue on without fearing that I am losing my mind. I would like to thank everyone for their support, understanding, and continued prayers through the difficult time.
Part 5 - October 2008
The fifth concept to reduce stress according to Dr.Don Colbort in Stress Management 101 is learning to relax. When people talk about stress they often talk about being exhausted and overwhelmed. We live in a culture that is in constant motion. We believe if we are busy then we are productive and then we feel important. We want those around us to think we are the best spouse, parent, child, etc. But we too often fill our lives with so many activities and responsibilities that we are overwhelmed. There is a book called Margins which talks about the fact that we all need margins in our lives. If you look at a typed page without margins, it is hard to read. When we fill our lives to capacity we have no room left for the unexpected. We quickly become overwhelmed when the littlest think is thrown to us. We also have no time to spend with God. Jesus offered rest to people. (Mathew 11: 28, 29) “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for yours lives.” In Luke 10: 38-42 Jesus reminds us just how important it is to simply rest in Jesus’ presence. “While Jesus and his followers were traveling, Jesus went into a town. A woman named Martha let Jesus stay at her house. Martha had a sister named Mary, who was sitting at Jesus’ feet and listening to him teach. But Martha was busy with all the work to be done. She went in and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me alone to do all the work? Tell her to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Only one thing is important. Mary has chosen the better thing, and it will never be taken away from her.”
Every muscle and every organ in the body has a stress state and a relaxed stated. Being in stress increases the heart rate, blood pressure, decreases digestive function, decreases oxygen levels and cellular waste is not removed placing a person at higher risk for health problems. Relaxation helps a person maintain balance and improved health. Relaxation can be accomplished by learning simple methods that only require a quiet environment, a positive environment and no money. Relaxation techniques include:
1. Deep Breathing
Breathing from the abdomen allows more oxygen to get to the muscles and helps muscles relax. When you take a deep your stomach and abdominal cavity area should expand as apposed to your shoulders moving up and down. Remember if this type of breathing is new to you, you may become dizzy if get up too quickly. Rise slowly.
2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Start by tightening a particular muscle group then relax. Tighten and relax each muscle group you can identify, beginning at your feet and progressing upward to your face. Practice abdominal breathing as you do this. This should take 10-20 minutes.
3. Yoga
There are a number of different kinds of yoga. Yoga exercises promote flexibility and strength. It also teaches controlled breathing. This is not a recommendation for practicing yoga as a Hindu related religious practice which involves various forms of chanting and meditation. This is only a method of stretching and relaxing.
4. Visualization and Imagery
Visualization is like a mini vacation: it allows your mind and heart to get away from the stress of the day. Imagine that you are at a favorite spot such as the beach or at a cabin on a moonlit lake, your Grandmothers kitchen enjoying a wonderful meal or in front of a cracking fireplace. Remember all the feelings, smells, sensations, sounds of that place. Don’t forget about your breathing.
5. Meditation
There are generally two types of meditation, one that is guided and involves another person asking you to see various images such as on a relaxing journey and the other is aimed at emptying the mind of stressful thoughts by focusing on one word or phrase or a repetitive song. Meditation compels a person to become absorbed in the moment. It has been found helpful to manage chronic pain, relieve insomnia and nausea and treat substance abuse. Also some studies have shown promise as a technique for lowering blood pressure and possibly prevent heart attaches.
6. Prayer
Research has shown that prayer is useful in inducing the relaxation response. Research has also shown that one’s religious faith and practices, including prayer, reading Scriptures, and attending worship services, may decrease the impact of emotional stress in daily life and lessen the more serious stress of illness.
7. Aerobic Exercise
Brisk walking, cycling, swimming, rowing, dancing, jogging, and other aerobic exercises actually help relax the body, provided you do not exercise at too high an intensity.
8. Massage
The skin has thousands of receptors that send messages through the nervous system to the brain to induce a feeling of relaxation, comfort and well-being. It can trigger the release of endorphins, which are natural pain relievers and can reduce stress hormones and improve circulation.
9. Sleep
It is the ultimate relaxation.
We often think of rest as being lazy. Jesus does not want us to be running around exhausted and overwhelmed. He wants us to have time in our lives to listen to worship music, or read a good book. He wants us to have time to enjoy his creation, laugh or go on an adventure. If we are in constant motion, we miss out on the most important things in life. Are your margins all filled up? Are you Martha? Find rest in the Lord.
